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Caesar’s Film Disappointments of 2010

Posted by film On January - 21 - 2011

Legion stinks like a flaming bag of something left on a doorstep.

By Caesar Martini

1. Legion
Technically not a disappointment because I saw the previews and thought, “Wow, looks like crap,” and it was indeed crap. In fact, it exceeded my estimations of crap. The whole movie was just one bad decision after another, punctuated by bad dialogue, ridiculous plot directions, and questionable acting. Horrible.

2. The Last Airbender
This was particularly disappointing because 1) I liked M Knight Shyamalan once and would like to again, and 2) the TV series, Avatar: The Last Airbender is such a good cartoon and rich source of material that it’s a tragedy to see it mishandled so badly. If The Last Airbender was a child, Shyamalan dropped it on its head, accidentally stepped on it with hobnailed boots and kicked it into a pile of razor blades and then picked it up hastily and proudly showed it off to the world. “Isn’t she beautiful?” No, M Knight. No she is not. She is horrid and needs medical attention. Read the rest of this entry »

Caesar Martini’s Top 5 Films of 2010

Posted by film On January - 17 - 2011

By Caesar Martini

5. Jackass 3D (dir. Jeff Tremaine)
Yes, I realize that the Jackass movies are not exactly the epitome of noble cinematic achievement, blah blah blah, but hey, shut up for a second. There’s only one other movie I saw this year that I kept talking about after seeing it, and that’s because Jackass 3D is hugely entertaining from start to finish. It may be a horrified fascination-of-a-car-wreck type of entertainment, but still, that’s more than 95% of movies I see can offer, so it’s on my list.

4. The Town (dir. Ben Affleck)
Wow, Ben Affleck is two for two in the ‘win’ column for directing. The Town is a top shelf heist movie, on par with films like Heat. Great characterization, great dialogue, acting, writing, it comes together beautifully. I don’t even care that Affleck might not be physically able of making a movie that doesn’t take place in Boston. Read the rest of this entry »

Faster Reviewed

Posted by film On December - 4 - 2010

Faster
Directed by George Tillman Jr.
Alliance Pictures, 2010

By Caesar Martini

You know, if you’re a huge, intimidating dude, I think there is a finite amount of time you can spend in an environment intentionally set up to be the diametric opposite of your appearance and personality (such as a family movie) before that juxtaposition ceases to be funny or interesting (re: anything in the 80’s starring Hulk Hogan). In my humble opinion, that finite amount of time is about thirty seconds, which is why it’s annoying that Dwayne ‘The Rock’ Johnson has done no less than three full length family films. He wore a tutu in one, for god’s sake.

Thank Odin that The Rock has chosen Faster as his most recent project; a film where his only job is looking angry and being terrifyingly well muscled while he shoots people in the face. And he does this job very well. The first thing I thought when I saw the opening of the movie as The Rock paced menacingly in his prison cell was, “Holy shit he is HUGE.” I was legitimately afraid of him because he was so very big and so very angry. Read the rest of this entry »

Unstoppable Reviewed

Posted by film On November - 20 - 2010

Unstoppable
Directed by Tony Scott
Twentieth Century Fox, 2010

By Caesar Martini

I went into this movie half-thinking, “Why am I going into this movie again?” The answer is because my friend wanted to see it. I wasn’t particularly interested, as I had just seen Tony Scott direct Denzel Washington in a movie heavily involving trains last year (The Taking of Pelham 123). In fact, I’ve seen Scott direct Washington in five movies now. It’s as if he can’t direct anyone else in a lead role. Or maybe he looked at how his brother, Ridley Scott, has directed Russell Crowe in five movies and said, “Hey I want one too! Only, you know… black.” Perhaps the Scotts are prone to man-crushes on talented actors. Anyway, groundlessly speculated director-actor homoeroticism aside, I was surprised at how much I enjoyed Unstoppable. Read the rest of this entry »

Easy A Reviewed

Posted by film On September - 28 - 2010

Easy A
Directed by Will Gluck
Sony Pictures, September 2010

By Caesar Martini

My new favourite red-headed actress* stars in Easy A, a movie about the worst kind of prostitution — fraudulent prostitution. If you can’t count on a whore to do some actual whorin’, what kind of world are we living in?

(*  A position previously held by Nicole Kidman before she injected enough collagen and botox into her face to kill a horse, and then by Lindsay Lohan before she did the same and then followed it up by snorting enough cocaine to kill Scarface.)

Emma Stone plays Olive, a witty but anonymous high school girl in small town California who inadvertently starts a lie about her virginity (specifically, her lack thereof). Thanks to technology and the age of digital information, she’s instantly labeled as a tramp by the entire school. Read the rest of this entry »

Resident Evil: Afterlife Reviewed

Posted by film On September - 18 - 2010

Resident Evil: Afterlife
Directed by Paul WS Anderson
Sony Pictures, Sept 2010

By Caesar Martini

Why do I keep going to see Resident Evil movies?  They’re so consistently terrible.  The first one was adequate, the second one (Resident Evil: Apocalypse) was as close to a crime against humanity as a motion picture can come, and the third one’s (RE: Extinction) main virtue was that it wasn’t as bad as the second.  Sigh.  Well here we go. Read the rest of this entry »

Predators Reviewed

Posted by film On August - 8 - 2010

Predators
Director: Nimrod Antal
Twentieth Century Fox, July 2010

By Caesar Martini

You know, this film is not getting the attention it deserves, and I don’t understand why, because if you’re a fan of the 1987 Predator film, you should be a fan of this one too. And if you’re a fan of the Alien vs Predator films that we’ve been punished with in the past few years, then what the hell is wrong with you? Those films were terrible disgraces to their original properties. Instead of treating us to an awesome alien-killing-machine throwdown, they decided to shoot fight scenes that you could recreate by tossing Alien and Predator action figures at each other in a dark room.

One of the criticisms of Predators is that it’s not terribly new or inventive. Well Christ, the antagonist of the movie is an alien being whose sole purpose is to hunt and kill people, what more do you want? Read the rest of this entry »

Summer Movie MegaCalendar: August

Posted by film On August - 4 - 2010

Caesar Martini, Sean Kelly and Isaac Mills

Summer heat scorching? Chill out with the cool crew as they, um, freeze-dry the summer preview season with a look at The Expendables, Scott Pilgrim vs The World, Pirahna 3D and more variety than an ice cream vending cart! Plus Caesar totally goes there with Chris Brown and Rihanna. Now that’s really cold.

AUGUST 7th
Get Low

Sean
I saw this film at the Toronto Film Festival and it highlighted by a great performance by Robert Duvall. Definitely worth seeing if you can.

Isaac
It has Bill Murray in it, what more do you need to know?! Robert Duvall stars as a crazy hermit who comes out to hold his own funeral, wanting everyone there to hear his story, so that sounds a bit like Big Fish except there weren’t any crazy visuals or circuses in the trailer that I noticed. Still – Bill Murray!

Read the rest of this entry »

Summer Movie MegaCalendar: July Part 2

Posted by film On July - 3 - 2010

By: Caesar Martini, Rachel West, Sean Kelly and Isaac Mills

The crew is back, finding reasons for hope (Inception) and doubt (Salt) and plenty to gawk or gander at in the ever-changing landscape of late July.

JULY 16th
Inception

Caesar
I barely have any idea what this is about but I am so fucking stoked to see it. Leo Dicaprio, Ellen Page, and Joseph Gordon-Levitt are, like, dream thieves or something? Most of the movie seems to take place inside a dream world where city blocks fold in on themselves and gravity barely exists and shit is blowing up everywhere in slow motion. Hell, yes. Also, it’s directed and written by Christopher Nolan and that dude has an awesome track record; and not just with Batman. Read the rest of this entry »

Summer Movie MegaCalendar: July Part 1

Posted by film On June - 30 - 2010

By: Caesar Martini, Rachel West, Sean Kelly and Isaac Mills

The crew is back at it with the welcome first appearance of comics-section heavyweight Isaac Mills. The gang punches in on The Last Airbender, Predators, The Sorcerer’s Apprentice and piles more. Check in shortly for more expert speculation and conflict galore when we size up the releases of latter July.
Read the rest of this entry »

Summer Movie MegaCalendar: June 2010

Posted by film On May - 31 - 2010

By Caesar Martini, Sean Kelly and Leo K. Moncel

Woof! Woof! It’s Marmaduke season! Psych. We’re not even approaching that beast. Instead we’ve got the shakedown on The A Team, Grown Ups, Toy Story 3 and like, a dozen more. And, if you can believe me, we may even have a potential, that is, possible, now it’s too early to call it, but a disagreement over a Twilight film? Remember we write these separately and no one’s calling any names. But a fight to the death in the comments section is always a welcome option.

JUNE 4th
Get Him to The Greek

Caesar
Made by the same team who did Forgetting Sarah Marshall, one of that year’s best comedies, and starring the best character from that movie, British hedonist rocker Aldous Snow (Russell Brand), how could I not want to see this?
Read the rest of this entry »

Summer Movie MegaCalendar: May 2010

Posted by film On April - 30 - 2010
"Two iron men" would be the proper pluralization.

The correct pluralization would be "two iron men."

By Shane McNeil, Sean Kelly, Leo K. Moncel and Caesar Martini

From the writers of last year’s smash hit series Summer Movie MegaCalendar, prepare to be blown away by the thrilling sequel! More punch-out prose, more dastardly disagreements and more sarcastic humour. We size up this May’s sequels to Iron Man, Shrek and Gladiator (well, for all intents and purposes), and still make time for MacGruber and some curveballs. Join your old favourites as they take on all new challenges in Summer Movie Megacalendar: May 2010. This time, it’s personal.

Read the rest of this entry »

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