Fortunes divined with incredible accuracy and a convenient amount of vagueness.
(Mar. 21- April 20)
Feelings of nostalgia will conspire to envelope you, but don’t give in. Renewing old acquaintances from high school will only remind you how little you’ve accomplished in the last decade, and you will find that The Goonies has not held up well under the scrutiny of time.
(Apr. 21- may 21)
These days you can’t help but suspect that you possess some kind of dormant super power, but have never figured out what it is or how to summon it. Hours spent trying to move small objects with your mind will be ones of folly, and it is well-advised not to even try. Though you do indeed hold incredible powers that few could even dream of, you have never marshalled them because you have never been in a situation that forced you to drag them up from the depths of yourself. You are a meek person who leads a common life and would only abuse your powers if you ever discovered them. The only thing that stands between you and unimaginable villainy is your superhuman laziness. It alone is your one true gift.
(May 22-June 21) This is the month when the feeling that you are spinning your wheels is the most acute and palpable. You feel that your big break is always just around the corner, but the fates keep it from you with selfish cruelty. At the best of times you feel like a paper cup tossed on the ocean, aimless and thrown by the waves of the universe. Now is the time to start putting even just a little bit of effort into making your own luck, and stop sitting around reading horoscopes and waiting for the stars to do it for you.
(June 22-July 22)
All signs indicate that you will be diagnosed with some form of cancer. I know it’s ironic, but that’s just the way the universe is.
(July 23-Aug 22)
As always, your strong Leo qualities will serve you well in the coming month. You are dynamic and self-assured, determined and sure to achieve any goal that you set for yourself. You are powerful, quick-witted and uncommonly creative when there are problems to be solved. Above all else, you are ready to accept positive appraisals of your character, even if they are not at all accurate.
(Aug. 23 -Sept. 23)
Things at work will be neither good nor bad, and friend and family relationships will be equal parts of bitter and sweet. You will not be favoured in love, but get laid fairly regularly and still feel that even though you do not love your significant other, you certainly could be doing a lot worse. Meaningful events will be completely absent and television programming will be sub-par. For better or worse, it is just going to be another month.
(Sept. 24 -Oct. 23)
As Saturn shifts into your sign’s house this month, the darkest of luck is sure to follow. Do not get too attached to your place of employment, for you are sure to be dismissed from it in a matter of weeks. Friends will turn to enemies, enemies will turn to violence, violence will turn to the commonplace. It is best for you to lay low this month, along with every single other person born during the month of October because the exact same thing is going to happen to them, too.
(Oct. 24 – Nov. 22) Vanity will surely be your downfall this month, and steps towards aesthetic self-improvement are certain to backfire. Impulsive additions to your wardrobe will be money foolishly squandered, and experiments with new makeup and trimming pubic hair will more than likely result in calamity and chapping.
(Nov. 23 -Dec. 21)
The unexpected is the only thing you can expect now. Do not be at all surprised should you find yourself shot with a crossbow in the next couple of days.
(Dec 22 -Jan. 20)
Good news! Sweet fortune smiles upon you and things are sure to get better! In the days to come you will finally secure the promotion you’ve been working so hard for, you will reconnect with your estranged father and also inherit significant sums of money from several Libras who are doomed to die this month.
(Jan. 21 -Feb. 19)
Summer is finally here, but don’t let the sunshine and lush foliage hold too much influence over your actions. A strong draw to return to nature and reconnect with the organic should be resisted: you will only find yourself crashing through brambles in High Park and will lose one or both of your shoes. Pisces
(Feb. 20-Mar. 20)
Things are finally falling into place for you! In weeks past you have been biding your time, making compromises and holding out for your one big break. This is sure to pay off soon, as the long skinny block finally descends on your Tetris screen of life. Don’t turn it sideways!