MONDOmagazine

The Myth of Leroy Jenkins

By Sam Linton

By now, I’m sure everyone is pretty fed up with hearing how great the internet is. We’re all experienced internauts by now: we know how great it is. Quit hitting us over the head with it!

But how long can it last, really? Like every great age, will this not come crashing down upon us too?

Experts warn us that the collapse of civilization as we know it draws ever closer and all of the things we take for granted such as driving, not having to cultivate our own food, and yes, even the internet, will soon become things of the past — mere wisps of memory to fade and be forgotten.

How will you explain to your grandchildren the glories of the internet as you huddle around the fire on your collectivist farm or bask in the warmth of your heated bomb shelter/panic room?

Will they be able to understand the hilarity that was “All your base are belong to us”? Will they grasp the intellectual challenges of separating fact from fiction on Wikipedia? The depths of human depravity found on the forums of Fark.com?

It is important for the future that we preserve not only the knowledge of what the Internet was, but a detailed history of the things that it contained and the lessons that they have to teach us. Of course, the society of the future will have no internet or word processing software of its own, so this knowledge will have to be passed down orally. To this end, I will devote this space, my little corner of the web, to mythologizing the many memes of the internet for future generations to develop an idea of what was once this wonderful, non-existent network of ideas and beliefs.

Also, remember to print off these myths, otherwise the whole point of this project will be lost.

Episode 1: The Myth of Leroy Jenkins

The Internet of old was fraught with perilous places, but none were as deadly as the area known by some as the World of Warcraft. In the World of Warcraft, danger lurked around every corner and young internauts had to band together just to survive.

In such a land, it was of vital importance to coordinate your actions and to make sure you were all functioning together as a team. Of all the internauts in the World of Warcraft, Leroy Jenkins was the bravest.

But he was also the most brash and headstrong. He had triumphed in many a battle on the digital planes of yore, but his prowess lent itself to hubris. And one grim day he ignored the lessons of teamwork and he led not only himself, but all those who depended on him, to ruin and an early grave.

Leroy and his comrades had journeyed far and wide in the World of Warcraft. Through combined strength of arms they had triumphed over many deadly adversaries, until they found themselves in the dragon-infested spire of Black-Rock. Dragons were deadly beasts, and his comrades had decided to confer on how to best deal with the superior numbers.

But Leroy was quick to action, and grew bored with talking. As his comrades were still calculating their best stratagem for victory with Abdul the Number-Cruncher, Leroy’s patience snapped beneath the weight of his anticipation and he rushed in boldly, if not foolishly, bellowing his trademark battle-cry of “Leeeerooooooy Jennnnnkinnnnsssssss!!!” as he rashly charged headfirst into the dragons’ den.

In an awkward moment of shock and hesitation, his comrades stood blinking and muttering to each other as Leroy disappeared into the cave’s dark mouth. Then, fearing for Leroy’s safety, they clamoured after him.

But without a coherent plan of attack, they, along with Leroy himself, were slaughtered to a man. As a punishment for his hubris, the Gods of the Internet thereafter decreed that Leroy Jenkins’ name would forever be given to those who went crashing heedlessly in towards peril, those who risked all and lost, wagering the lives of cherished friends in hopes of winning foolish glory.

The moral of the story: Always think before you act. It is a lesson you can think well on as you and your siblings forage for food in the nuclear-blasted wasteland of tomorrow (today).

The original (non-mythologized) version of this classic internet moment can be found on youtube.

Practical Parenting Tips That Will Make the World a Better Place for Your Children to Grow Up In

By Daniel Taylor

Many times I’ve heard people say that they just want to make the world a better place to raise their children. They say it with an air of wistful nobility, as though they are setting off on a beautiful, courageous, endless journey. Like they’re taking up a lance and shield and slaying every awful thing that would ever dream of setting a scaly, clawed foot in the path of their yet-unborn child’s wondrous existence.

With all the pomp and staunchness of King Arthur pledging his life to Camelot, soon-to-be or some-day parents swear the rest of their selfless lives to tidying and redeeming and polishing up this bad old world of ours as though it were a treasured family keepsake passed down through generations:

“My great grandfather gave this to my grandfather, who gave it to my father, and when I was old enough he passed it down to me, and I’ve been keeping it safe and repairing it every so often and even making some improvements, and now I’m giving it to you. It’s The World, Son. I hope you like it.”

They talk about the planet like it’s a broken down old Studebaker that they’re fixing up to give to their child on his 16th birthday. And by God it’s going to run like a dream when he pulls it out of the driveway for that first butter-smooth spin around the block. If they have their way this dark world will purr like a kitten for their kids when they’re finally through tinkering with it.

As the author of an ongoing parenting column, I hope that each week I’ll be able to offer advice to all you parents and expecting couples out there that will be of some help with this most righteous goal, this most gracious of quests.

But before we begin, I feel the need to set a few things out on the table from the very beginning, just so we’re all on the same page, and so that I’m not repeating myself each week. More than anything else, I feel I should make this confession before we get too far into things:

I don’t have any children, nor have I ever had any in the past that died or were given away. I’m not a seasoned parent, and I have only the most cursory of experience in dealing with children. As a teenager I was a sub-par babysitter and as a child I was a terrible older brother.

I have three nieces and one nephew and they all adore me, but that’s only because I get drunk at family gatherings and yell and sing and chase them around and feed them ice cream with no regard for spoiling their dinner or ruining their health because they really aren’t my problem.

I also don’t plan on having any children, ever. I would consider adopting a child from Africa or China, a child that could really use a hand, but I would never bring a new life into this world because I think it’s one of the most morally unconscionable things a person could possibly do, because this world is seriously fucked up and it’s no place for kids.

Furthermore, I think that many of the world’s greatest problems, like war and overpopulation and famine and environmental strain are caused or at least seriously exacerbated by people who keep having children with no consideration for anyone but themselves. People just like you.

You want a little version of yourself, a minor legacy. A toddling, slobbering, screaming DNA capsule to leave behind when you die. And I understand that. It’s an instinct that’s rooted deep inside you; it’s a need for some sense of permanence, some small indicator that you were here. I can appreciate what you’re trying to do. Why, just the other day I wrote my name in wet cement, and it’s just as rewarding as you say it is.

I guess what I’m saying is that I don’t like you, and before I start doling out advice on how to raise your children I thought you should know that. I think that you’re what’s wrong with the world that you so nobly want to fix and protect. I feel it’s only appropriate and respectful to be completely honest from day one and to tell you that I can’t fucking stand you or those little bastards that you drag around with you.

With that said, I hope that this column is a great source of guidance for those of you with children, those of you expecting a little bundle of joy, or those of you considering them in the future. If you insist on dragging another life kicking and screaming into this shitstorm of a world, which you are only making worse by adding another greedy mouth to feed, I hope this column will, if nothing else, make sure you do it with a little tact and consideration for the rest of us.

Tune in next week for my segment on Strollers and Why You Should Keep Them the Hell off the Subway for Christ’s Sake.