Legion stinks like a flaming bag of something left on a doorstep.
By Caesar Martini
1. Legion
Technically not a disappointment because I saw the previews and thought, “Wow, looks like crap,” and it was indeed crap. In fact, it exceeded my estimations of crap. The whole movie was just one bad decision after another, punctuated by bad dialogue, ridiculous plot directions, and questionable acting. Horrible.
2. The Last Airbender
This was particularly disappointing because 1) I liked M Knight Shyamalan once and would like to again, and 2) the TV series, Avatar: The Last Airbender is such a good cartoon and rich source of material that it’s a tragedy to see it mishandled so badly. If The Last Airbender was a child, Shyamalan dropped it on its head, accidentally stepped on it with hobnailed boots and kicked it into a pile of razor blades and then picked it up hastily and proudly showed it off to the world. “Isn’t she beautiful?” No, M Knight. No she is not. She is horrid and needs medical attention.
3. Tech Savvy Fans
All right, listen up, geeks and nerds. If you get excited about the prospect of a property that you are a fan of (your favourite book, or TV show, or comic) being turned into a movie, to the point where your combined excitement actually influences the Powers That Be to indeed, turn your Favourite Thing into a movie, then you have to go see that movie.
No box office K.O. for Pilgrim and co.
You cannot sit on your fat, entitled asses and use your Cheeto-stained fingers to download it to your computer and then react with shock when the film underperforms. Do you know why? Because if you do that, said Powers That Be will never make a sequel to your movie, and will likely never listen to you in the future when you get excited about something else you want made into a movie, because they know you won’t pay to see it. You assholes did it with Serenity, you did it with Snakes on a Plane, and this year you did it to poor Scott Pilgrim. Well reviewed film, lots of internet buzz, total box office failure. It’s like promising to get your wife an amazing present and then not only not getting her anything, but thinking you’re really clever to save yourself all that time and effort, and then complaining that the only sex you get to have with her is grudging, and on your birthday.
Who’s keeping score? That’s 3/3 against Airbender. But good God Caesar, you’ve outdone yourself with these horrid metaphors.
Who still eats Cheetos?
Caesar, do you give people Cheetos just so you can insult them thusly?
I actually sort of liked Legion. :/
Leo: thanks! Isaac: it’s a well known fact from researchers in the wild that cheetos is a staple in the diet of tech savvy nerds (actually you make a good point; doritos would be more likely, but cheetos just has a nicer ring to it). Sean: I don’t even know what to say to that. You and I must be looking at the world through differently tinted glasses, is all.
No, I just know not to take films about a bunch of angels attacking a diner too seriously.
Ha ha ha, okay then
Dear Caesar, I must admit that our marriage isn’t what it used to be. You promised me the world and all I got was some shitty, hetero-normative analogy. I’m sorry, this is where WE end. I’m keeping the dog and the stash of Cheetos. XOXO ps. I was totally thinking of Miles the whole time.
Sadly, ‘hetero-normative’ is probably the nicest thing any girl has ever called me.
p.s. I was thinking of Miles too
See? We should’ve just married Miles from the get-go.
Wait… What? I don’t check the site for a day…
Yeah I should have called ahead and warned you, but at 3:00 Denise and I are showing up at your door with nipple clamps and an Area 51 Love Doll for the most awkward four-way ever.