MONDOmagazine

Seriously, though, it’s not funny.

By Allana Mayer

Now, I know there’s nothing funny about domestic abuse, or the fine line between mutual pleasure and one-sided domination. But you could argue there’s nothing funny about heartbreak, either, and it’s sure had the shit immortalized out of it in song. There are all sorts of relationships, involving everything from emotional abuse to consensual violence to the sort of passion that makes those physical confrontations simply happen. And they’ve almost all been chronicled, with varying degrees of dignity and artistry, through music. Apologies for getting all High Fidelity on you, but pop and misery go hand in hand.

1) Elvis Costello — “Wave a White Flag” from 2 ½ Years (1993)
A rare track released only on the greatest-hits comp 2 ½ Years, “White Flag” almost tiptoes, graceful and gentle, like a ballerina en pointe. Graphic descriptions like “Take your pretty neck and see which way it bends” slam paradoxically against shrug-offs like “When I hit the bottle, there’s no tellin’ what I’ll do / ‘Cause something deep inside me wants to turn you black and blue.” Somehow Mr. Costello makes these sentiments innocent, childlike, and endearing — which makes it all the creepier and all the more compelling.

2) I Am Kloot — “Twist” from Natural History (2001)
Dark and brooding (as with most of their work), I can only see two people chasing each other around the house screaming and cackling in a drunken frenzy as they dive at each other’s limbs. While the slow, jazzy music may not give off this energy, I’m more convinced this is the relationship to which it refers. It’s almost like he wrote it after sobering up and looking around at the mess they made. Lines like “There’s blood on your legs” trade off with lots of soft, ominous “I love you”s, and the “Twist, snap” refrain gives it its final kick.

3) Adam and the Ants — “Beat My Guest” from the Stand And Deliver single (1981)
If you’re anything like me, you watched SLC Punk during your impressionable teenage years, heard the Epoxies cover, and thought, “Wow, that song is really catchy.” Then you looked up any other song by the Epoxies and thought, “Wow, that sounds like shit.” Then you discovered that it was a cover and all was well. Yet both versions of “Beat My Guest” retain some favour, be it out of nostalgia or guilty pleasure. The opening line (“Tie me up and beat me with a stick”) qualifies it for the category at hand; the best line (“Be your dog for just one flog”) makes it the perkiest and most optimistic of the list.

4) The Decemberists — “The Bachelor And The Bride” from Her Majesty (2003) Showcasing, as always, their breadth of literary and artistic knowledge, The Decemberists warp the title of a Marcel Duchamp work into a storyline of mystery and secrecy. Arguments about the enigmatic lyrics rage on in internetlandia, but my preferred take is as follows: A man has an affair with someone else’s wife, presumably by mutual consent to start. But his violent side emerges latently, and he begins to beat her — causing first a miscarriage and then infertility. It’s performed with that dark urgency that speaks of a possessive and jealous lover.

5) Bonnie “Prince” Billy and Matt Sweeney — “What Are You” from Superwolf (2005)
The worst this song mentions is spanking, which is hardly considered taboo given that it’s been appearing in porn for decades. Still, having a gender-bending Will Oldham sing about having her (his?) sundress torn off of her (him?), having your (whoever’s?) fingers in her (him?), and taking you (whoever?) over her (his?) knee and spanking you (whoever?) mercilessly…. Other than a mindfuck, it’s also deliciously sexy. A gorgeous guitar progression and Matt Sweeney’s harmony round out this short, sparse track.
(Feel free to Youtube it — if you want someone’s homemade slideshow of beard images to add to the gender confusion.)

6) Why? — “These Few Presidents” and “The Fall Of Mr. Fifths” from Alopecia (2008)
Okay, so this is a double-header — but the entire album is about unhealthy relationships in some form or another. “These Few Presidents” is about maybe a murder-suicide, or a double suicide, or a hostage situation, or something fucked up like that. At any rate, it features a troubled ex and the object of his unwavering, perverted affection…. Set to bouncy pop. “The Fall of Mr. Fifths” starts with a verse about dumping the body of a pretty lady into a lake, presumably following in the paths of many other pretty ladies… Expressed in an energetic rhyme. With rigor mortis jokes. No kidding.

7) Depeche Mode — “Master and Servant” from Some Great Reward (1984)
To pick us up a little, we’ve got the entertaining interlude of a bouncy dance song that, while not exactly depicting the ideal power differential, still manages to make one seem pretty alluring. It’s a classic, and a damn cheesy one at that.

8 ) Songs: Ohia — “Love Leaves its Abusers” from Axxess & Ace (1999) Hey, emotional abuse counts. And maybe I’m taking the title a little too literally, maybe it’s just a song about regular ol’ emotional tribulations and guilt and regret, but damn if it isn’t heartbreaking, and damn if it doesn’t make you paranoid about all the ways in which you might possibly be screwing over those close to you without even knowing it. Thus, on the list it goes.

9) Ticonderoga — “Chatterton” from The Heilig-Levine LP (2005)
“So I’ll come over and use you,” frontman Phil Moore begins, “but don’t misunderstand me: I’m still your bitch.” That’s good enough for me. Besides the tragic, empty guitar plucking and minimalist noise intro/outro, there’s enough loneliness and confusion in this track to warrant a good essay or two. So just listen to it, already.

10) Stone Roses — “I Wanna Be Adored” from The Stone Roses (1989)
Don’t we all? Besides being an anthem to disillusioned youth everywhere, it’s also a powerful pledge of narcissism and selfishness. People so often found their relationships on this principle — one adoring, one being adored — that this simple, creepy pop tune has made its way into many a head since its release.