Reasons why being a human is not all it’s cracked up to be.
By Jenny Bundock
On Tuesdays I get up at like six in the morning, to be at work at seven thirty, opening a grocery store. The first hour of my shift is a write off. Like a zombie I move through the building, unrolling rugs, sipping coffee, and unpacking boxes. During this time I think about some pretty weird stuff, and this week was no exception. See, I had this zit inside my nose. Don’t pretend like you don’t know what I’m talking about, you know exactly what it’s like…you don’t even know it’s there and then you try to blow your nose or stick your finger in there and it hurts like crazy and you shake your fist and curse that little red dot you couldn’t even get rid of with a friend’s help… Yeah, so I had one of those, and I was pretty pissed off, and started thinking “I think this is one of those human-only things…” I’ve had a lot of pets, and none of them seem to get zits, or uncomfortable ailments, or little pesky things like muscle stiffness, nosebleeds, allergies, hangnails… Nope, these are the things evolution reserved for us alone. The more I thought about it the more I realized that we suck, as a whole, as an entire species.
Take for example the series Planet Earth, that awesome BBC nature DVD set that takes us to all these different areas of the world and shows us the awesome things that live there. For example, in the caves episode, they talk about these worms that hang from the ceiling and spin this fine silk web that they drop down into the air. After they have set this trap they glow all these different colours and then bugs, which they need to eat, fly into the web after being attracted to the light, and the worms eat them. I can’t even catch my cat if she gets outside. Seriously. We as a group even get off on our inability to stay alive in the world. Like that show, Survivor Man; if you haven’t seen it there is this guy who gets dropped out in the middle of nowhere and then he videotapes himself not dying. Riveting! He’s done what thousands of animals do everyday, all the time. Still not convinced? Okay so think about this, carefully: Have you ever been anywhere where the climate was comfortable for you? I mean really, really comfortable. No, you haven’t. It is either too fucking cold (like today) with snow and wetness and it sucks…or it is too damn hot and you can’t sleep and everything you touch you stick to. There is nowhere really that we could go, and be like “Hey, now this is my habitat, I could survive here without concern.” Do you routinely see polar bears frozen to death in these nature films anywhere? Nope. You don’t. Why? Because they are built for a particular climate on the planet, that’s why. Do you see snakes all dead in the desert? See where I am going with this… We’d die just about everywhere if we weren’t so crafty. Okay so continuing with that whole idea of being built for the climate…is there anywhere you feel you could just kick it naked? I get that we would eventually get calloused feet and hands, and running on twigs would hurt less, but even my house is hazardous for me. Stubbing my toe is the worst. I do that probably once a week… Has my cat ever stubbed her toe and then had it negatively affect the next 30 minutes of her life? Lost a nail from it? Why am I the only species living in my house having this much trouble? I blame genetics and wishy-washy ancestors.
So what is the solution? We already know we are smarter than most other animals, or at the very least, we seem to have a pretty good technological lead on their innovations, so how do we make ourselves less vulnerable in hand-to-hand situations? In entertainment, a triple threat is someone who can sing, dance, and act. In life, we are a dual threat at most (brains, technology) but we are missing that brute force edge! We have to take back the jungle. What would Tarzan do?! (WWTD?) No one coddled him, and he got along just fine. I am beginning to believe that the answer lies in toughening up our children. Since children are the future, and I am a sad sack of mush, I think it is my personal duty to raise children that are tougher than I am, children who are fully adapted to the environment that they must live in. I propose that all children born after 2008 be required to survive in the elements for several hours a day. We need to think outside the box with regards to preschool activities. Make them hunt for their own snack in the afternoon; equip them with a glow stick to catch bugs (I saw a worm do it once). Make them sprint everywhere. No more wussy beds, sofas, or soft furniture of any kind…instead plant native trees in the house, and teach them to nap away from predators high atop the canopy. Invest in several monkeys to create some competition for the food source. Scatter fruit in challenging areas of the house. Release birds into the property and make them collect eggs for breakfast. Start blood feuds with the neighbors; make the children defend your territory! It’s the only way we’ll ever get over our inferiority as a species. Sure, we’ll lose a few, but the result several generations from now will make all our fallen spawn worth it, plus the surviving children will know that we were/are serious. (And think of how badass THEIR kids will be as a result.) Though there is a risk that they’ll murder all of us for being weak links in the chain, but I am willing to take that hit for the sake of humanity. We have to fight nature with nature! Beat the tigers and chimpanzees at their own game. It’s the only way to emancipate ourselves from being the laughingstock of the animal kingdom. (Don’t pretend you don’t know, you’ve seen that look your dog gives you when you stop running after him because getting your sandwich back is not worth the heart attack…) We can do it. I believe in us.
P.S. I have a sense of humor. I don’t have children. If you call the cops on me, it’s probably because you have the opposite of what I have. Please laugh at how seriously you are taking your life.
