By Steph Perkins
I have been told before that I am “weird” about public washrooms, which I think is stupid because you should be weird about them. And besides, I’m not weird about it — some people can’t even do their business in there — I can handle it. However, there are certain aspects to the public washroom that I do find rather disturbing.
I once worked as a receptionist in an electrical parts warehouse where my desk happened to be an unfortunate five feet away from the men’s washroom — a fact that was never lost on me as I was forced to inhale the aroma of urinal cakes all day.
Adding to this shit deal (HA) was this guy John: a nice guy, who insisted on informing me whenever he was going to take a dump. As in, “Hey Stephanie, I’m just going to be in the bathroom for about 15 or 20 minutes, so hold all my calls.”
Oh really John, it’s 10:15 AM and you’re taking a crap? You know, I think we established on my second day here just exactly when you’re gonna go in there, when you start blasting your poo particles everywhere, every day. No need for the breaking news. Honestly. I’m good. And then of course, after 15 or 20 minutes (sick) he’d come out and leave the door open, you know, to air out that nice Lysol/turd blend he’d whipped up in there.
Awesome.
Anyway, I think this is where my apparent complex came from. But again, I really feel like my stance is pretty normal on this.
So now I work for a very large company in a very large building, and there’s a women’s public washroom on my floor. It’s not bad. I mean it can be gross, I won’t go into detail on that, but I’ve never seen shit smeared on the walls or anything crazy. (Why are there always stories about someone seeing that? How on earth does that happen?) Anyway, ladies, I’m just wondering if we can’t go about our business in there nonchalantly. I already feel a wee bit uncomfortable running into someone I know in there — like hi, enjoy your movement, you too — so like, how bout maybe don’t talk to me while I’m peeing. This is definitely one of the top five most private things a person does, so please. Please don’t talk to me.
Also, I frequently find myself trapped between two people in their respective stalls trying to have a conversation. Also weird. Can you not wait 30 seconds to finish that thought? And I’m betting the person on the other side of me thinks it’s pretty weird/awkward that you cut one while trying to keep this convo alive. I’ll just be clear for both of us — it was totally weird. And I heard your friend haul ass outta there while you were still all “WHAT ABOUT THAT MEMO” from your stall.
Ya fuckin’ pervert.
Finally, I don’t love seeing and/or making eye contact with the person who was in the stall before me. I know this can’t always be helped — in busy bars and such — but I just don’t like knowing whose butt was just touchin’ stuff in there. Weird.
And you know what, I don’t care if that’s weird — you’re weird.
The Canada’s Wonderland female employee was one of the worst I’ve seen. yes shit smeared on the toilet, shit up the wall and bloody maxi pads on the floor all in one room and in one day.
I hate those people that cover the entire toilet in paper and then don’t get rid of it after. Honestly, a toilet is cleaner than a public phone and I don’t want to pick up after you either.