MONDOmagazine

By Jess Skinner

(all release dates are tentative and Toronto-centric)

88 Minutes (Al Pacino, Leelee Sobieski)

In a logical stretch worthy of Ripley’s, Al Pacino plays an obscenity-shouting cop who is targeted by an assassin, I imagine because they paid to see Gigli (zing!). This cop has 88 minutes (feature running time plus credits?) to figure out who is after him, or he will take one in the head. Why he doesn’t lock himself in a closet somewhere and wait this thing out, I haven’t the foggiest idea, but then again I haven’t seen it yet. I am sure the ignorance of that conclusion will be explained. Director Jon Avnet is perhaps best known for helming another explosion-fest, Fried Green Tomatoes, so if you’ve seen that one, I assume you will know what to expect. Or maybe not. (April 18)

The Forbidden Kingdom (Jet Li, Jacki Chan)

It’s kind of ironic that they would call anything you have to pay 12 dollars to see forbidden, but I digress. Chan and Li team up, in lieu of just kicking each other’s asses, to help an American teenager who has — I kid you not — traveled back in time to ancient China and is now entrusted with a magical quest or something. Seriously, didn’t they learn anything from A Kid in King Arthur’s Court? Does anyone remember that movie except me? (April 18)

Forgetting Sarah Marshall (Jason Segel, Kristen Bell)

The guys who brought you Knocked Up and Superbad present their 858th film of the year, though their formula of broken hearts and discomforting obscenity somehow shows no signs of wear-and-tear. Leading man and screenwriter Segel plays a musician dumped by his actress-girlfriend, trying to recover whilst sharing a Hawaiian hotel with her and her new man. This seems like one of the lamest set-ups imaginable, but no doubt the gutter-brained scribes will be able to pull it off something fierce. It’s a movie you and your significant other will both find appreciable, and you know only Judd Apatow and his ilk are capable of achieving that with such consistent hilarity. (April 18)

Where in the World is Osama Bin Laden? (Morgan Spurlock)

Spurlock is the guy who made Super-Size Me, and he may just be one of the most likeable personalities to hit the big screen in many a day. In his follow-up, he travels about the middle-east searching for that elusive terrorist who has so fiendishly evaded American capture. Though Spurlock is no political scientist, and critical opinion may tag his picture as inconsequential, he doesn’t overexert his role as a friendly schlub, and the trailer makes it look downright hilarious. In any event, it’ll still be far less excruciating than all those other vacation slideshows you’ve had to sit through. (April 18)

Baby Mama (Tina Fey, Amy Poehler)

For those of you who feel the comedy oilfield that is pregnancy has not yet been fully tapped, one-time SNL saviour Tina Fey would care to disagree. She stars here as a single and successful businesswoman who finds out she is unable to conceive, and enlists the help of a working class doofus (Poehler) to act as a surrogate. My crystal ball tells me the road to birth will be bumpy, the hijinks will be wacky, and it will probably make you laugh more than the last eight years of that ubiquitous late-night sketch show. Abandon that ship while the abandoning is good, Poehler! (April 25)

Harold and Kumar Escape From Guantanamo Bay (Kal Penn, John Cho)

The concept behind this movie seemed to me to be offensive to the poor suckers actually locked up in the titular prison, but then I realised they probably don’t get Cineplex Odeon passes included in their sentencing. Penn and Cho reprise their roles as roommate stoners, but this time their problem goes far beyond severe munchies. Aboard a flight to Amsterdam, they are mistaken for terrorists and sent to that oh-so-regrettable judicial Cuban wasteland. Expect more cameos than you can shake a roach clip at. (April 25)

Cassandra’s Dream (Ewan McGregor, Colin Farrell)

Woody Allen emerges again with his annual trek to the big screen in Dream, a dramatic follow-up to the pleasant but critically derided goof-off Scoop. Perhaps he is attempting to emulate the surprise success of Match Point, way back from 2005 (with the benefit of hindsight, still one of his best films), with this tale of violence and intrigue. The dual leading men play brothers embroiled in troubling, criminal plans – though how twisted and absorbing this plot may reveal itself to be has yet to be seen. The fact that, at his age, Allen is still making films with hints of intrigue should be enough to draw us to the show. (April 29)

Mister Lonely (Diego Luna, Samantha Morton)

Okay, I’ll admit, this entry may be closer to my heart than any in this article. America’s most underappreciated auteur Harmony Korine returns after an eight-year absence to craft this predictably offbeat tale of celebrity impersonators finding home and love in Paris. After helming dual masterpieces Gummo and Julien Donkey-boy back in the 90s, Korine should return on the scene to easily and politely show other art-house filmmakers how it’s done. Plus, we get to hear Werner Herzog and that delightful drawl of his again! I cannot get enough of that. (April 30)

Iron Man (Robert Downey Jr., Terrence Howard)

Downey Jr. may be one of the most respectable actors of his generation, but that won’t stop him from whoring his talents in another conventional comic book adaptation. Now, I don’t read comic books, but I’ve gathered many MONDO readers and editors do, so perhaps it would be best to leave the judgments on this one to them. All I know is, the dude from Swingers is directing, so maybe Iron Man will get wasted on cocktails before he kicks ass, PG-13 style. (May 2)

Son of Rambow (Bill Milner, Will Poulter)

After gaining considerable buzz at film festivals, director Garth Jennings (Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy) brings his sleeper hit in-the-making to our shores this May. It’s the story of two English kids who happen upon a pirated copy of First Blood and decide, like many of us, that they must translate their inspiration into the next big action epic. This is the kind of flick that lives or dies on word-of-mouth, so let’s hope the absurd concept and trailer – both of which get my approval – turn out successfully at feature length. (May 2)

Speed Racer (Emile Hirsche, Christina Ricci)

The knuckleheads who brought you The Matrix and then savagely dragged their own franchise into the ground return, with this adaptation of the animated ’60s Japanese crossover hit. Looks to be the logical conclusion of the green-screen buffoonery that has run so rampant over the past several years, with a colour scheme probably not unlike what it would be like to plunge your face into a bowl of Lucky Charms. (May 9)

Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (Harrison Ford, Shia LaBeouf)

The mass appeal that Harrison Ford has garnered over the years has always remained a mystery to me. Sure, he’s been in some of the biggest movies of all time, but why does he always have to look so goddamn bored? Even on the poster, which I assume is a drawing, the concept of another archaeological quest appears to be bumming him out. Plot details are thin, though as this comes almost 20 years past the last installment in the franchise, don’t expect Indy to have to square off against Nazis anymore. (May 22)

Sex and the City: The Movie (Sarah Jessica Parker, that chick from Porky’s)

Lord help us. (May 30)