Not Pictured: Marlene Dietrich up a tree.
These methods are for use at social gatherings only. The author is not responsible for any attempts to use these methods at the office, the studio, at school, or anywhere people might try to take you seriously.
By Rachel Kahn
Face it. We know all the cool kids still smoke. They’re out there, in nicotine communion, sharing deep secrets on the privacy of the front stoop. Being left out of conversation after conversation can be depressing, especially when the rest of the party isn’t as fun as you’d hoped, but that’s no reason to take up smoking. Here’s a list of alternative activities to force you outside alongside all the James Deans and Marlene Dietrichs, and into their addicted hearts.
- Fireworks – There is no way in hell they’re going to let you use them inside. Pack a few roman candles in your jacket pockets to light up any back alley confession session with your presence.
- Bubbles – Again, it’s only polite to take this soapy adventure out of the kitchen. These might be a little childish for some of you readers, but with the right level of drugs or alcohol in your system they will become magical. For bonus points, invite your favourite smokers to make smoke-filled bubbles.
- Remote-Controlled Cars – Does this seem even more childish than bubbles? You are obviously dead inside. Everyone will want to try your Hot Wheels RC 4×4 All-Terrain monster at least once, so make sure to bring extra batteries.
- Climbing Skills – If you can shimmy up a lightpost into a tree and over onto the roof, you will win friends and impress people you otherwise would never have met. Some of them might be police officers. Don’t let that get you down.
- Hackey Sack – For the traditionalist; this technique has been handed down through highschool hallways for decades. Keep one where you would keep cigarettes if you smoked them: close to your heart.
Of course, after a few successful sessions outside, you will discover that smokers mostly talk about smoking, and specifically, when they’re going to quit doing it, and all the mystery and romance will be over. But I can’t blame you for trying.
