Jenny Bundock stares into the abyss in a bone-chilling look at the nature of FEAR
By Jenny Bundock
Fear. It’s a strange thing. I have friends who are afraid of all kinds of different things. Snakes, cotton balls, bees, heights, candy, spiders — seemingly harmless items that can conjure up all kinds of strong emotions. Everyone has at least one thing that they simply cannot get over, something that chills them to the very bone.
For me, this thing was in town last Saturday. I had trouble leaving the house all day, for fear that I may have a face-to-face encounter. I found myself looking out my window anxiously for no reason. So what is it that had me all twisted up in knots?
I am terrified of Crispin Glover.
Go ahead and laugh, I know, it seems like a weird thing to have a fear of. I mean, he seems harmless enough in Back To The Future but then you decide to Google him, and then the next thing you know, you are watching him on David Letterman, and he is saying things like “I’m strong, I can arm wrestle!” and you are like “Jesus, fuck! They let this guy just walk around in public?!” Watch the clip. I’m serious. He almost kicks Letterman in the face with these big, high-heeled boots.
AND if that isn’t enough to do it for you, then you need to further Google CRISPIN GLOVER and look up his music video “Clowny Clown Clown.” I wasn’t afraid of clowns until this video. And I wasn’t deathly afraid of Crispin until I saw it either. The basic plot is that he was walking on the ground, he didn’t make a sound, then he turned around and saw a clown (a clown in a genie costume, on loan from the I Dream of Jeannie prop room apparently), and then the clown makes out with him, and barfs, and there are some people with animal masks… and I wish I was making this all up… but I’m not.
If you’d believe it, this is not the worst part. Crispin is actually quite the aspiring freaky filmmaker. He is currently working on his “It” series. The first is called What Is It?, which is some kind of potentially racist movie about Crispin sitting on a throne with huge-breasted, topless trolls, and a lot of snails being salted to death. Another I have done everything in my power to avoid is called How It’s Done and he is currently showing his new “It” film, It Is Fine. I’m sure it is as mind-boggling.
You might think, “But what are the odds you’ll actually run into Crispin Glover on the streets of Toronto?” Well, you’d assume not that good, but just two years ago at a theatre a friend of mine left a terrible movie, which, as it turned out, was a movie Crispin Glover was in. On his way through the lobby he mentioned to his companion how fucking awful the movie was, and when he turned back around to leave, he was face to face with CRISPIN HIMSELF.
From this I can deduce that if you criticize him, he will come. And all I seem to talk about this time of year is how there must be someone in the city who is stupid enough to have invited Crispin to Toronto and an equally-into-bad-decisions customs agent who thought it was a good idea to let Mr. Glover into our country at all.
I know one night I’m going to open my closet and he’ll be standing in there. When he is in Toronto, that likelihood goes up tenfold.
Now, I know a lot of you think this is particularly weak of me, or even kind of lame, but you have to understand that I had only seen him as Michael J. Fox’s dad and then he was kicking Letterman in the head. I went straight from there to sexy barfing lady clowns, and then snail killing. You can make a case for him all you want, but my mind is made up. He’s the scariest person alive.
“It is fine, everything is fine.”
See you next week when I can confirm he’s left the country. Until then, if you need me I’ll be at the safe end of a shotgun, standing in my living room window, with a bottle of vodka for courage.
i could not agree more. and dude’s middle name is HELLION.
yeah, that middle name is def. the icing on the creep-out cake.