I wrote this about three years ago when I was just as cynical but half as attached. As it turns out, some men love a sarcastic, unromantic short girl with a bear hat who writes for MONDO. (This is not a direct jab at the guy who wrote the article about Juno and how no one would actually love someone like her in real life [Editor's Note: The always Charming Alexander B. Huls], but it is funny that this worked for me as far as landing a man.) Anyway, this ran in MONDO when it was in paper form, almost three years ago, but at this time of year, with everyone looking to land a Valentine (aww!) the message remains just as relevant: “Don’t send me retarded love shit, or I will make fun of you until I have carpal tunnel syndrome!” Enjoy.
My Favorite Email
Love is Blind, Deaf, and Really Dumb
By Jenny Bundock
It’s happened again: I log into my web mail to find another plucky little forward from my so-happy-it-hurts cousin. She’s been paired off now for almost as long as I’ve been boyfriend-less – a fun situation that my family refers to as “my problem” – and as a result of these two factors, I seem to get peddled a large amount of relationship propaganda. Now, I’m not yet sure if the forwards are sent to me in an attempt to warm my spinster-bound heart, or to salt the “ha ha, you’re single” wound, but every so often, they find their way to my inbox. But it’s not just me; all of you get them too. Single or Attached, everyone suffers through the love stories, and the wishes at the end, not to mention the guilt trip about continuing the madness. But this time I can’t do it. This time I refuse to sit idly by. Enough is enough. She’s gone too far. The time has come for me to stand up for myself, as well as for all the other single people out there. But it doesn’t end there. I am standing up for those of you in relationships too, who aren’t completely consumed by “love” and have not lost the capacity to logically look at this syrupy trash. Something has to be done, because when I read things like this, I get so freaked out by what a relationship could do to my brain, that I avoid eye contact with the opposite sex for weeks. So the next logical step in my war against stupid relationship cousins (who we all have by the way, and sadly, who some of you are) would be for me to crack this gem for you all to see. Get your tissues ready everyone, *sniff* it’s a tear jerker.
A girl and a guy are speeding over 100mph on the road on a motorcycle.
Girl: Slow down. I’m scared.
Guy: No, this is fun.
Girl: No, it’s not. Please, it’s too scary!
Guy: Then tell me you love me.
Girl: I love you, but slow down.
Guy: Now give me a BIG hug.
*Girl hugs him*
Guy: Can you take my helmet off & put it on yourself? It’s bugging me.(In the paper the next day): … A motorcycle crashed into a building last night because of brake failure. Two people were involved, a male and a female, but only one survived. The truth was that halfway down the road, the 18-year old boy realized that his brakes had broken, but he didn’t want to let his partner know. Instead, he made her say she loved him and felt her hug one last time, and let her wear his helmet so that she would live, realizing he would be the one that would die.
Now, allow me to reflect on this in true university fashion, by critically analyzing this load of horseshit.
1. If I was getting on a motorcycle with a guy, and he was like, “here I go to put on my helmet, oh, no helmet for you… get on anyway,” I would go home.
2. How do you switch helmets mid-ride?
3. Are there no other options for stopping a motorcycle with failed brakes other than running into a building?
4. Did the steering fail? Because it’s easy to miss a building: you just turn.
5. I’m pretty sure that having a helmet wouldn’t do a whole hell of a lot of good if a speeding motorcycle hit a brick wall
6. What about letting off the gas, buddy… letting the bike slow down.
7. I’d want to know the brakes had failed so together we could brainstorm another solution rather than “hit that building.”
8. It says he realized halfway down the road; how fast could he possibly have been going when he realized? Didn’t the girl notice he was running a lot of stop signs?
9. For being the love of her life, he was dangerously dishonest (i.e. bike + wall + no heads up whatsoever).
10. Then there’s the hospital scenario when/if she wakes up (because of that helmet he gave her being a lifesaver and all) and they say to her, “The brakes had failed honey, and he wanted you to live!” I know I’d respond with “What the hell! That asshole! I told him to slow down, and now I talk through a hole in my neck and can’t feel anything below my collarbone! Thanks for the helmet, jackass.”
But wait, there’s still the classic-cherry-on-top at the end of the email: If there’s anyone you love this much, pass this on. Hmm… let’s see, do I love someone enough to put them on a motorcycle without a helmet, then get them to risk both our lives by taking my helmet off mid-ride, and then putting it on themselves at 100mph, then continue to drive full tilt into a wall, killing myself but hopefully *crosses fingers* letting the person I love live? … No, can’t say I do. But, we can’t all be that lucky, right?
