By By Curtis Westman
While Alex is busy working on this month’s tribute to TV, it’s up to me to fill in as the purveyor of videogame news. Or, at least, the guy who reads the videogame news and mocks it.
Calling All Cars is uhh… finally released… I guess…
David Jaffe’s hectic, fast-paced arcade throwback has finally been released, despite the controversy surrounding it being a PSN exclusive (PSN is Playstation’s equivalent of Xbox Live). Jaffe, you might remember (but probably don’t), is the director of the first God of War, a fact he’d like you never to forget — after all, he directed the first God of War. Quickly, though, he’s learning that he can’t ride out that wave forever, and after Gamespot reviewed his new offering at a meagre 6.7/10, he practically had a nervous breakdown on his website. “The nice thing about having a blog,” he contended, “is I can review the reviews! :)” Well, Mr. Jaffe, the nice thing about writing for an online magazine is that I can review the reviews of the reviews.
And I give your review of the reviews a 6.7/10.
Halo 3 breaks the internet
The Halo 3 public beta was released on Wednesday night, and god damn. Since Bungie and Microsoft decided to package an invitation to the beta test with every copy of Crackdown sold for the 360, thousands and thousands of people hurried to download it all at the same time. To give you an idea of how excited these people were to download the beta test software, over the course of twenty-four hours, The Halo 3 Beta Thread on the NeoGAF boards jumped about 135 pages, or 6500 posts. Beyond that, the Bungie servers were so clogged that downloads were chugging along at a snail’s pace, enough so that they’ve extended the beta to make up for the lost gaming time.
It’s probably for the best, considering how World of Warcraft players react every week when the servers are down for a scheduled maintenance, Bungie taking the hint and making up a few hours of lost time will likely result in a lot less bitching.
Oh, who am I kidding, it’s the internet. They’ll find a way. Pacifying the online community is like trying to tame fire and keep it as a pet.
Nintendo has seduced Canada
The NPD Group’s released sales numbers for April 2007 show that Canadians really love Nintendo. According to the sales charts, “more than 63% of total hardware sales” were Nintendo products. Furthermore, one of every two consoles purchased in Canada between April 8th and May 5th was a Wii and 77% of the portable gaming market was dominated by Nintendo — in some kind of strange twist of fate, we’ve become the new Japanese gaming market. (Editor’s Note: If you’ll take a gander at the Canadian flag and the Nintendo logo you’ll note they are the same color. Coincidence? I think not. Discuss conspiracies amongst yourselves).
We don’t just love Nintendo, we’re attached to Nintendo in an unhealthy way. We’re downright codependent. In fact, even if Nintendo got drunk and beat us every single night, our torn nightgowns barely covering the bruises on our arms from where Nintendo’s massive, powerful hands held us down, well, by God, we’d still curl up into bed with them at night. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go play with my Wii and then sob uncontrollably in a ball on the floor of the shower.
Sony still selling games?
Sony Computer Entertainment held its “Sony Gamers Day 2007″ (which, inexplicably, lasted for three days) this week, and it would appear as if they’re still selling videogames. Among the newly announced offerings: SOCOM: Confrontation and High Velocity Bowling, a PSN exclusive that will take advantage of the Sixaxis’s “unique” motion sensing controls. Honestly, I’m less surprised that Sony is still making videogames and more surprised that it took them three days to announce this stuff. They could’ve come out and said “Three items: 1) Sony Computer Entertainment still exists, 2) SOCOM for PS3, and 3) A game called High Velocity Bowling. Questions? Here’s some footage from Nintendo’s conference at E3 last year. It should answer all of them.” And then they could have a midget wrestle a crocodile on stage while a one-legged vet chewed the head off of a three-legged chicken, videotape it, and call it a PS3 commercial.
Naw, I’m just kidding, I love the Playstation.
Well, Metal Gear Solid at least.
Square-Enix automatically makes another hundred million
Last week, Square-Enix held a massive party — again, in what seems like an attempt to make up for the lack of an E3 show this year — and announced what appears to be a pretty solid lineup for the next year. Rumours of Final Fantasy IV getting the DS treatment its predecessor received are drifting around the internet, which makes me very happy. Beyond that, an expansion for Final Fantasy XI, the online MMO offering from SE has been announced, with new missions and areas to explore. Gameplay footage of Dragon Quest: Swords for the Wii look impressive as all Hell, as well.
But let’s be serious: it’s Square-Enix. They could announce a turn-based poop and make millions. I’m surprised they didn’t get money thrown at them just for talking about their products. They could’ve staged a little sketch with a Cloud cosplayer and a Squall cosplayer making out, and they’d just be showered with dollar bills and panties from internet fangirls the world over. Square-Enix is honestly like the Bowie of gaming companies. Everybody loves them. And people who don’t are wrong and lame.
