Southern cougar seeks inquiring minds for enlightening advice.
Hello my little muffins and cupcakes! Let me introduce myself, I am the Mz. Goldie Richard. Due to the recent departure of Miss Torrid (she had to go spread her sexy self over the rest of the world, and spread she will, ooo-oo – you should be so lucky!), I will be your new in-house female voice. Dr. Smoothmoves has been curing me for years, so when he called in a desperate, I-need-a-sexy-house-call kind of way, I couldn’t deny him. Think of me as the softer, gentler side of the story, full of love and a wealth of “old world experience” to share with you. I’ll take good care of you babies. Now, on with the questions!
Dear Mz. Goldie Richard,
My boyfriend keeps trying to stick it in my ass without telling me first. I’ve told him many times that I don’t want it there, but he keeps insisting. What should I do?
No Bum for Me
Dear No Bum,
Oh, Mama knows, child! The anus is like the Holy Grail for some men: they will keep trying anything to get to it. Now, first of all, did you slap him? Because you should’ve. Surprise analing your female is an absolute no-no. You’ve got to be strong on this one, honey, because if you’re not ready and he sticks it in there, believe me, it ain’t pretty. If he keeps on doing it, I suggest a little eye-for-an-eye action. When he’s not expecting it, just shove a finger up there to see if he likes it, and if he does, well, then you’ve entered a whole new world, full of power you could never have imagined! I digress.
Good luck, sugar.
Mz. Goldie Richard
Dear Mz. Goldie Richard,
I recently started online dating, and I met this really great guy — perfect for me, or so I thought. The first couple of online conversations were great. We had a lot in common and such, but recently, it turned to dirty talk. I went along with it because it was fun, but now that’s all he wants to do. I really want to date him, but he won’t stop talking dirty long enough to ask me out. What should I do?
Stuck in Cyber Sex Hell
Dear Stuck,
Sweetie, I just have two words for you: ENJOY IT. Seriously honey, I would never call anyone a prude, but you’re a prude. What’s wrong with a little dirty talk that will mostly likely turn into some in-person fun? If I’ve learned anything in my years, it’s that you can’t change a man. He sounds like he’s just looking for some fun booty-call-esque action and you should go along with it. Trying to date a man that does not wanted to be dated will only leave you broken-hearted and horny. I say if you can’t get the love, go for the lovin’! Come on girl, the women’s movement didn’t happen for nothing, get your sexy self back online and get that man so fired up he has no choice but to come satisfy himself in person.
Have a little fun, it sounds like it would do you good, child.
Mz. Goldie Richard
