Swiving language from behind.By Sam Linton
Hey there, y’all! Yes, I know that it’s been quite a while since my last Lexipoeia entry, but I’ve been busy. Yes I, your humble scribe, am also a university student, and occasionally that must take precedence over my internet-writing duties. But never fear! I have returned, with a cornucopia of filthy words to make both Miss Torrid and Dr. Smoothmoves blush and hide in shame.
Now, I know that many of my readers may be puzzled by this. “But Sam,” they ask, “didn’t you promise to respond to readers’ word queries in your last column, written so long ago?” No. No, I did not. If you check the archives, they’re lying. I NEVER said that I would respond to reader mail. Now, on to the column!
So then, in the course of my studies, I have been busying myself with a plethora of 18th century literary texts, and, with the glee of a schoolboy looking up dirty words in an unabridged dictionary, I have been putting aside the very best words to have fallen out of common usage (blame the 19th century for that) for re-use in this, the 21st. These are all words we need, people! Here now, is the list:
Mopus: Okay, this is the least-needed of the words I found. It’s also the least filthy. It’s basically a synonym for dullard, but with a mopier connotation. I am only including it because of my personal penchant for words with Latin endings, especially insults. Just ask anyone who’s been on the receiving end of one of my “dumbus”, “Cretina”, or, worst of all, “foolicus” put-downs – the stiff rigidity of a Latin ending can put someone in his or her place, but good!
Oyster: Now on to the filth! You wouldn’t think it, but this seemingly ordinary shellfish has a rather racy connotation attached to it (you know, aside from the numerous other racy connotations attached to oysters that you already know). You see, back in the 18th century, an “oyster” was used to indicate a woman of a low employ, one who was not a prostitute, but was likely to turn tricks to make ends meet. Now, isn’t this the exact word we need in today’s society? A word denoting not a dedicated, but a potential prostitute? Think of how enriched the hip-hop genre alone would be with a word like this! We need “oyster” back, and fast!
Spend: Another alternate usage for a common word, back in the day “spend” was a common synonym for “ejaculate” (semen!). It can still be found in this usage today, but generally only in the past tense (spent!). However, I would argue that, given the current consumerist culture in which we live, we need “spend” as a synonym for “ejaculate” more than ever! We’d have filthy double-entendres for everything!
Swive: Now we’re getting back into the genuinely unused! Swive: it sounds like “dive” but it’s actually a synonym for the act of sexual intercourse! Well, actually, it was generally used only from the masculine perspective, so its sounding like “dive” may be no coincidence! In a modern sense, I think this fills a needed void in synonyms for the verb “to fuck”, in that, unlike “to nail” or “to screw”, “swive” has a much more vibrant feel to it, full of what the French term joie de vivre (many English speakers also use this phrase). Rather than the mechanical action invoked by the previous two terms, “swiving” seems, just by the feel of the word, more of an artistic, liberating act. Also, it employs an “s”, the most sexual of all letters. Just look at all the “s” words: Sexual, Sensuous, Sultry, Semen, Servix, UnSircumSised, Sam Linton. Swive is a must in the current vernacular.
And finally, Strumpet: this one may not be as unfamiliar to the modern reader, and I know I’ve heard of it. Basically, it means “slut” but its sounds like “trumpet”! It’s a slut trumpet! Actually, screw reviving strumpet, let’s go for “slut trumpet!” It’s like a regular slut, but really loud and musical? Or maybe it’s a musical instrument that gets all the sluts up in oneself? Whatever, either way, I think “slut trumpet” is a winner! Are you listening, Dr. Smoothmoves and Miss Torrid?
Until next time, remember, it’s a living language: let’s keep it that way!