Recipes for the Haphazard, High, and HungryBy Andrea Taylor
Who hasn’t come home from a long night of drinking and smoking pot to say at one a.m, “Who wants breakfast?”
Sure, we’ve all been indulging a little too much over the holidays, but recent studies prove that, although it may feel like ten pounds of eggnog and chocolate have attached themselves to our waistlines, the average person only gains one pound over the four weeks surrounding Christmas and New Year’s Day. So when the munchies call, I suggest answering the door!
The problem with wanting breakfast at a time when sober people are asleep is that you have to dust off the old frying pan and cook it yourself. The following recipe contains all of the breakfast ingredients one might crave, and it’s easy to make with very little cleanup and risk of arm-burning or finger-cutting.
In fact, you may want to carry out this recipe in its entirety wearing oven mitts. It’s safe, fun, and you look like quilted lobster.
The trick is to keep your cool. Breakfast is all about timing, and as long as you don’t crack under the pressure, the following simple steps will ensure a tasty and satisfying late-night breakfast. And don’t worry, step one is NOT cutting a hole in the box. Step one is print this recipe off before you start drinking, and maybe make the font bigger if you plan on really tying one on.
Scrambled Egg Brunch Bread
1 tube of refrigerated crescent rolls
2 ounces deli ham
2 ounces cream cheese
¼ cup of milk
1 dash of salt and pepper
¼ chopped red pepper
1 teaspoon of butter
1 cup shredded cheese
Unroll your crescent dough on a cookie sheet that is lined with tin foil (optional), and use a bit of water to seal the perforations between the crescents (optional). (Depending on how much you’ve indulged, everything but removing the lid from the container of cream cheese and putting your face in may become optional.)
Next, preheat your oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit and preheat a skillet on medium heat.
DO NOT LIE DOWN ON THE COUCH WHILE WAITING FOR THE OVEN AND PAN TO PREHEAT.
Scramble the eggs with the butter, red pepper, and half of the shredded cheese.
Cook in the skillet until eggs are no longer runny and red pepper is tender.
Spread the rest of the ingredients (cream cheese, deli ham, etc.) over half of the crescent rolls and fold the dough over itself to form a rectangle (see photo).
Seal the edges as you did with the perforations. Bake for 15-20 minutes and enjoy!
For the love of God, turn the stove off, you drunk bastard.