Prescribing: afterthought control
I’m sorry friends. For the first time in my long career as a columnist I’ve let my readers down: I missed an update. I could give you excuses about the old acquaintances that have breezed on down for me to get into their business, or my nights hobnobbing with celebrities (though I was mostly just knobbing celebrities) during the film fest, but they are all paltry excuses. I don’t plan on making it a habit.
Dear Dr. Smoothmoves,
I know this news is a little old, but when I found out that that Scary Spice girl had had Eddie Murphy’s baby it got me thinking. Could that have happened to me? Could it have already happened? Has it happened to you? I mean, it must have, the statistical probability alone… so what did you do? Did you own up to it? Are you dodging women on the street?
Nervous Ned.
Dear Ned,
Fatherhood is important. Fathers need to be there for the important things: reading you to sleep as a toddler, teaching you to ride a bike, buying you your first lap dance as well as the finish-up in the Million Dollar room.
That’s why I’m a bad father.
Because I’m not there.
I’m too busy sipping from golden chalices, writing this column, and receiving rim jobs in public locations to drive a screaming afterthought to daycare. I always employ the safest of sex; that’s one of the few things that separate me from Screaming Jay Hawkins, but there is now a 100 percent solution. As you said, the numbers are against me, so it’s happened an amount that my lawyer advises me not to disclose. I support my babies and their mamas with money and manservants, paid for by advising young people to repeat the same mistakes I have made.
Does this information make you think less of me? Most people think once you fertilize with another human being that your brains and sexual organs should liquefy and you should join breathing classes, get a traditional career, and buy property with a backyard because otherwise the offspring won’t grow up quite right.
Well, I’m glad I’m not giving my child that because they’d be boring. I want my children to be tortured, confused humans with damaged relationships caused by “daddy issues.” It will make them better humans. It will make them better writers.
My father did this. I am doing this. You should not do this.
Dr. Smoothmoves.
